I've lived in Nashville since 1999, so when I submit quips to the Nashville Scene's "You're So Nashville If" (dubbed YASNI) issue, it comes from a place of love. Or at least, it comes from a place of mild irritation that I work through with biting sarcasm. The publication gets over a thousand submissions a year, so I'm always pleased when a few of mine sneak in.
Someone asked me recently how long I've been sending entries, so I had to search through their archives to find out. I got my first one printed in 2010 and didn't make it again until 2016. Given that those other five years were some of the most hectic, I can't say for sure I ever submitted any. Nothing turns up in the Wayback machine. I got a handful in 2016, and have kept the streak going every since.
2010
Your chief of police voluntarily leaves for New Orleans, the 2008 murder capital of the United States.
2011 - 2015
No entries.
2016
Your downtown bridge needs a sign to explain why it turned that color today.[1]
You based your decision on where to live on how annoying the neighborhood Facebook group can be.
Your councilman can go from sworn in to shot to indicted to resigning all in under six months.
You measure time by which failed project was supposedly going in at Lake Palmer.
You have strong opinions about Barb Murphy.
2017
Your Metro Council could vote on where to go to lunch, only to have the state force them to go to Arby's.
You measure your time in town by which failed Lake Palmer project was proposed at the time.[2]
2018
Your family trip to the park was canceled because the city sold it for lunch money.
You were probably about as likely to drive to Memphis as you were to Antioch for IKEA anyway
2019
You often wonder what the MCC Coyote and Gulch Chicken are up to these days.
Your alt-weekly tried to kill #ItCity, but like an '80s slasher film series, knows it will be back for revenge.
You assume Bill Freeman didn't realize there were other ways to get a letter published aside from buying the whole damn newspaper.
You wouldn't be at all shocked if the city put the Parthenon up for sale to plug a budget hole.[3]
2020
You see teenagers recording videos everywhere they go, but it will cost your police department $36 million to do the same.
Your Metropolitan Nashville Airport Authority commissioner can't keep tabs on his own damn airplane.
2021
You're still chuckling about WKRN anchor Bob Mueller's COVID vaccine photo revealing that he has a tattoo ... of an anchor.
The local media landscape is so rough that reporters have turned to offering great deals on a PS5 on Twitter.
Your daily newspaper is so poorly read that nobody noticed the racist print ad warning of "Islam" detonating a bomb in the city until they published a second one.
You spent a good bit of time Googling the names of local January 6 insurrectionists to see which side of the family tree they were on.
2022
You're still not over being jilted by IKEA.
You sent your YASNI submission while waiting on a freight train to move.
The only thing reliably collecting trash in this town are the pedal taverns.
2023
It's okay, we don't want to admit that Cameron Sexton lives here either.
You'd rather choke down a Bud Light than go to one of the Broadway bars that refuses to serve it.
2024
Google Fiber first tried putting their lines on telephone poles, then tried burying them in the street, and now just tape them to the sidewalk and hope for the best.
You know that "Nashville's Nosiest Bitch" is an honorary title for NewsChannel 5's Phil Williams and not that one lady on Nextdoor.
You figure the legislature would sooner erect a statue of Morgan Wallen throwing a chair off a rooftop than honor Allison Russell.
Next on Nashville Public Television: This Old Mall.
You think that woman should be suing her realtor instead of Roy's Meat Service.
The cicadas were so loud and obnoxious that you figure somebody on Music Row must have given them a record deal.
You're bummed this is the last year you'll see any jokes about Bart Durham.
Major League Baseball heard that you're just one hole punch away from getting a free stadium.
You weren't surprised at all to learn that the Hawk Tuah girl was on Lower Broadway.
2025
Nothing in this world makes you as mad as a Belle Meade resident gets at the thought of building a sidewalk.[4]
Andy Ogles leading an investigation is more surprising than him being the subject of one.[5]
You'd rather have half the Tennessee General Assembly than half the Metro Council.
Vanderbilt Football being the highlight of the Nashville sports world last year tells you just how bad things got.
You are enjoying the last few peaceful evenings before Marsha Blackburn starts buying television ads.
You think Mayor O'Connell should respond to every letter from Cameron Sexton saying that he should talk to his West Nashville councilmember first, but to let him know if he doesn't hear back.
This one got Honorable Mention, my highest finish until 2025. ↩︎
Until compiling this list, I didn't realize I made nearly the same joke two years in a row. 🤦♂️ ↩︎
Again, a variation on a previous year's joke. I guess if it works once ... ↩︎
Picked up Fourth Place and an amusing illustration to go with it. ↩︎
Picked up Honorable Mention. ↩︎